Body Language: Credibility is Built on a Lot of Little Things

I recently had a conversation with someone, and all I could think was “I don’t believe a word she is saying!” What was it? I had no real way in the moment to check her facts, which could have been true, but my sense was that she was lying.

For one, her eye contact was sporadic. She looked at me occasionally, but mostly looked away, at nothing specifically. She forced a smile but always after a micro-second expression of pain and annoyance. Her questions and responses were abrupt and incomplete. And she shifted from foot to foot.

For as skilled as some people may be at lying with words, only truly skilled actors and con artists can lie with body language and vocal tone. And, experts say, that the conscious affectation is always a beat behind the reflexive, true response. So, there is a micro-moment of body language truth that is revealed before we can consciously try to mask our feelings. As someone who is being lied to, we may not even be consciously aware that we detect the micro-moment of truth. But some part of us–our “intuition”–knows.

So, if you feel funny about someone, if they feel creepy, and strange, it’s a good idea to trust that feeling. After all, before our ancestors invented words, they relied on their intuition, and the ones who did lived long enough and well enough to get us where we are today.

Do the Needful: Comments from an Indian Client

Over the years I’ve been impressed by my Indian clients’ and colleagues’ strong work ethic. Many of them, in fact, have demonstrated a resolute desire to understand a task and to perform it perfectly and on time.  A noble quality, but one that can frustrate some Westerners, especially when certain tasks and instructions may not be clear-cut.

Recently an Indian client of mine explained that this laser-like focus on perfection stems from a culture where people learn that they have one shot to get things right. Or, as he pointed out: “We’re taught that if we miss our train there won’t be another one coming after.”

Moreover, his school’s grading system didn’t exactly take cues from the boost-your-child’s-ego progressive education model. Grades were: “good,” “should have done better,” “poor,” and “very poor.”  Getting a “good” was truly outstanding achievement. When he later studied in the U.S. and received a “good” on his first paper, he was thrilled, only to learn soon after that an American “good” is pretty middling.

My client suggested that Americans may want to focus on process rather than outcome when working with Indians on projects where goals are undefined.

Finally, here are some phrases that don’t translate well between Western English and Indian English.

1. “Hmm, that’s interesting.” Although we might use the phrase as an automatic response to people when we’re not really listening to them, Indians take the word literally.

2. “Hmm, that’s funny.” See above about taking it literally. We often say it when we’re puzzled, not doubled over in hysterics.

3. “Do the needful.” I’ve seen this phrase many times in emails coming from India. Westerners just don’t understand the phrase, which roughly translates as “Get it done.” In a nice way.

Consider Cultural Differences

I’m in the Middle East and thinking about different communication styles and patterns. By comparison to many other cultures, Americans, along with many northern European cultures, and more direct and explicit. We may not hesitate to begin discussing business matters relatively quickly, and we may look to have arrangements made efficiently and specifically.

Mediterranean cultures, by comparison, slow down the process by establishing trust through personal relationships and social interactions. Planning and negotiating are slower and more ritualistic. Many Asian cultures slow down the process even further.

1. Consider what is realistic to have happen in the first few conversations or meetings given the routines of the culture.

2. Think about your credibility. Does this culture value rank or title? Age? Gender? Do you have goodwill credibility?

3. How direct or indirect should you be? If you are too direct, you may come across as abrupt or demanding and spoil the relationship.

It’s relaxing and very pleasant to socialize at the start of a relationship, and makes for a nice experience. This is an example of a time when it feels good not to push an agenda too soon, for as inefficient as it may feel.

Presentation Tips – It’s not All about You!

I recently spent several days college shopping with my daughter and sat through many interminable “info sessions” where reps from admission offices try to make their colleges sound like the most amazing, fantastic, innovative and totally cool places on the planet. After hearing their spiels I’m ready to explore colleges on different planets.

Many presenters rambled, shifted from foot to foot, ambled around their little stages without purpose (I wanted to yell: “Can you just please stand still?”), used tons of, um, filler words, and read their presentations off their screens instead of developing eye contact with the wide-eyed high schools students and their anxiously neurotic parents. I heard the same lame jokes over and over. (“You can study in any other country in the world. Except Antarctica!”) I was thrilled each time my phone buzzed so I had an excuse to walk out to take “important” calls.

There was, however, one info session that held my attention. Whereas other admission officers gave lists of possible majors, study-abroad options and notable alumni, this fellow looked at the crowd and began with statement: “This session is all about you.” He said the whole college search process was a chance for the students to listen, observe, and learn about themselves. Maybe his college wasn’t even right for them.

I wish I had taken credit for coaching him. When I work with corporate speakers, I help them identify what audiences are thinking and what they need to know. We craft messages that resonate with their audiences allowing them to think, and ultimately be persuaded. This admission officer recognized that the best presentations are not about the presenter, but all about the audience: their concerns, their goals, their emotions. Once he had us, he told us what differentiated his school.

I was completely sold. I hope he’s reading this blog and accepts it as part of my daughter’s application packet.

Finding the “Sweet Spot”

I coach lots of people in developing and delivering presentations. The development includes considering lots of details about their audience and thinking through how the audience will benefit. Along those lines, we identify specific goals the speaker hopes to achieve…in other words, what will be the measure of success?

In addition to these strategic elements, I spend a lot of time with speakers on their delivery and “stagecraft.” We describe and practice the look of confidence and professionalism that serves as the platform for their strategic messages. How should they stand and move? How should they gesture? Where should they look? As we practice theses delivery skills, we sometimes rehearse a lot. Sometimes too much.

If a speaker looks over-practices and robotic, it can be a real turn off to an audience. Audiences respond well to realism and spontaneity. As speakers and presenters, we all need to find our “sweet spot” of rehearsing enough to feel comfortable with the flow of material, but not too much so that we appear lackluster and robotic. And everyone is different. I have one colleague who is stale after two rehearsals, and another who is still stumbling after ten. As with anything, you can only find your “sweet spot” with practice.

Business Dress Code – Your Undershirt is Showing

I received a lot of feedback from young workers this week about our recent video “Lunch with the Boss.” Apparently many young guys have very strong opinions about business dress code, especially the pros and cons of wearing an undershirt. I didn’t realize it was such a hot-button issue. The young anti-undershirt guys claim that:

1. it’s expensive to stock up on packs of Hanes.

2. It’s gets too hot to wear another layer.

3. I’m not a smelly, hairy old guy.

I’m afraid I am militantly pro-undershirt, even if I weren’t a smelly, hairy old guy. Here’s why:

1. Contrary to what you think an undershirt keeps you cooler in the summer.

2. Most people don’t want to see though your shirt to see your body topiary status.

3. No one wants to see big wet rings under your arms–or the crusty yellow stains that are left at 5 PM.

Some of the young professional women I heard from, however, agree on what to and what not to wear. Some of their comments about business dress code:

1. Sleeveless tops may be inappropriate even if you have Michelle Obama arms.

2. Skirts should adequately cover knees when you’re sitting.

3. Guys without undershirts are gross.

One last point to remember: everything, including what you wear, communicates. Do you want to be remembered as the guy who wears those low-slung pants or the woman who wears very short skirts? Or would you prefer to be remembered as the person who adds value to the company?

Um….Did You Get My Email?

Yes, it’s so irritating not to get a quick reply to an email. We’re so accustomed to instant responses that it’s frustrating to wait. Maybe our email went into spam? Maybe it has been hijacked by the MAILER DAEMON? And we all feel that way, so the people you don’t write back to feel that way about you as well. So how long is OK to keep people waiting?

In pre-internet days (some of us remember, right?) many professionals had a 24-hour rule for returning phone messages. It wasn’t always easy, but it was the mark of respect to respond within a single day. How many of us follow the 24-hour rule with email? What practices do you follow for timely responses? At what point do you feel disrespected when you don’t receive a response?

A day is probably a good rule of thumb. If an email is too complex for one-day turn around, consider a quick “I received your email but need some time to work on responding.”

You Have a BlackBerry! Wow, You Must be Important!

You’re in a meeting and your BlackBerry vibrates in your pants. You’re about to look under the table discreetly to see who’s texting or emailing you. “No,” you say to yourself, “I can wait till the end of the meeting. I have self control.” The VP next to you is droning on about the minute details of your upcoming product launch. The anticipation is killing you. “OK,” you rationalize self-importantly. “No one will notice. Besides, the message is likely to be critical.”

Sorry bub, you blew it.

Here are some BlackBerry etiquette guidelines:

1. Never be rude. Turn your BlackBerry off or put it on vibrate in meetings or lunches, and don’t check messages or take calls unless you warn other people beforehand that you’re expecting a critical message. And step out of the room if you get it.

2. Suggest taking message breaks every hour so everyone can check messages. Chances are you’re not the only self-important person in the room.

3. Let your boss know when and why you’ll be incommunicado. You’ll be more relaxed if you’ve prepared.

4. Set limits on off-business-hours use. Yes, your workaholic boss may be online 24/7, but you deserve some private time. Try to check messages only once twice over the weekend.

When You Really Want to Say “Shut up, Already!”

A colleague of mine manages a team of several people that works to promote a membership organization. One of the team members is not too happy, and criticizes the organization in the team meetings. In addition, he has refused requests to represent the organization publicly saying his unhappiness will creep through in his speeches and talks. His negativity affects the team, and undermines the members’ promotional goals. As team leader, what should my colleague do?

1. Have a private conversation with Mr. Unhappy. Let him vent a bit. Who knows? He might be on to something that can be fixed or improved.

2. Let him know that his negative comments at meetings are affecting the team. He’s entitled to his views, but can choose not to share them at the meetings.

3. Ask him if working with this team, given it’s promotional objectives, is really how he wants to spend his time. Must be frustrating, after all…certainly for the team, but probably for him, too.

Having a 3-part message ready to deliver for this conversation will help my colleague prepare…

How about “(1) When you speak negatively and at length in meetings about your experiences, such as XXXXX and YYYYY, (2) it frustrates me, (3) because it demoralizes the team and delays us from working towards our goals.”

Reply-To-All HELL

I recently received an email asking everyone on a large distribution list if anyone had a business relationship with a high-level person at a certain organization. Within minutes some stranger emailed me, “No, sorry, I don’t.”

On another occasion, a client hit reply-to-all on an email about a scheduling issue and told several people (including me) that we really better talk to an employee before she speaks to the IRS. Yikes–a bit of an oversight since I shouldn’t have been included on that one.

Then there’s the famous story of a summer intern who thought he was emailing only a buddy about why he hated his job so much. Whoops—the email went to all the senior partners.  Be careful about reply-to-alls:

1. Only use reply-to-all when every member a group needs to know your message,

2. In some instances reply only to the sender and add on a few relevant cc’s,

3. Never use reply-to-alls to say, “Thanks!”, “No problem!,” or “I’ll bring cookies!”